My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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