Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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