Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
