trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
