a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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