i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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