Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
