Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
