apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
