Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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