i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
