Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
