She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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