he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
