I just cut my nipple shaving
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
