Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
