you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
