was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
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