I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
lets start a swedish sibling band together
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Randomize
