Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
