i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
