So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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