So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
