Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
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