Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
