i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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