since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Who died my cat blue again?
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
