Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
