I like to think it a success when the cops are called
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
