I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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