If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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