He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
