Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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