Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
i need an iv and a liver transplant
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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