Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Randomize
