im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
