and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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