a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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