He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
