You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
