He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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