WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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