How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
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