i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Someone came in the potted fern
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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