True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
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it's not cheating when I paid for it
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
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I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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