there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
