I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
