I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
