you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
