i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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