The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
You need Xanax blowdarts
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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