Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
