MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
this just has baby written all over it
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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