No more Irish car bombs ever.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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