Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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