i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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